School Books

Excerpt ascribed to Creesbrook School, Kirkby Lonsdale

Guide to the Use and Purpose of Books in the School Library

1. The primary use of a book is not that it should be used as a weapon.
Further: it is no excuse to say: "We were so inspired by Froissart that we decided to re-enact the Battle of Hastings, but we had no arrows", or similarly,
"Hercules had a giant wooden club; this is just a slim octavo of poetry."
To say  "It is only a paperback and wouldn't hurt a flea" is also an unacceptable excuse".
2. Every copy of Kennedy's Shorter Latin Primer in the school has now been changed to read Kennedy's Shortbread Eating Primer; you should not waste your whole reading period thinking of imaginative ways to re-title Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, or whatever other book you are pretending to read.
3. You should not write:
"If my  name you wish to see
Turn to page one-o-three"
and then write on p. 103;
"If my name you wish to know
"to page eight, you must go"
and similarly throughout the book until you are bored and tail off with 'Ha, Ha'.
4. Book illustrators are professional artists; you are not. It is not acceptable to say that a moustache adds dignity to Queen Victoria nor a skirt encircling Julius Caesar balances the composition.
5. You should remember that Mrs Curtis-Twigg who replaces me on my day off (Wednesday) is as much a human being as a librarian. You should not obviously cross yourself before entering the library, nor say just outside the door, in intentionally audible voice, "I've got some onion from the stew at lunch in my pocket; do you think it will works as well as garlic?"

I suspect that quite a few lovely comments could be added to this!!